1
00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,839
Vanessa: Anyway, that's probably
more detail than you need.

2
00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:10,344
But the point is the teachers'
union has bent over backwards

3
00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:14,381
to try to solve this thing, and
the school board has just dug in.

4
00:00:14,413 --> 00:00:15,315
You know who suffers?

5
00:00:15,347 --> 00:00:17,917
Me.

6
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,086
The students.

7
00:00:19,118 --> 00:00:20,320
The students... aren't they supposed to be

8
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:21,822
the most important thing?

9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,490
They're the reason I became a teacher.

10
00:00:23,522 --> 00:00:25,158
But, no, it's like everybody's
forgotten about them.

11
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,161
Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

12
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:29,513
I hear that diaries are still
a thing with your generation.

13
00:00:29,528 --> 00:00:31,497
Do you want a pen?

14
00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:32,932
I think I fixed the barbecue grill.

15
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,334
Oh, Dad, thank God!

16
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:37,437
Oh, Mom needs to vent about
her union strike-y thingy,

17
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:41,040
but I have to stop listening.

18
00:00:41,073 --> 00:00:42,341
Listen, listen. Sit down.

19
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,609
No, come... Sit, sit.

20
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,746
I actually cannot listen to your mom vent.

21
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,448
No, but you have to
because you married her.

22
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,716
I just walked into the kitchen.

23
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:53,920
I literally can't listen
to your mom vent. Vanessa.

24
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,289
Well, over the years, your
father and I have come up

25
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:59,192
with a healthy way of
dealing with these situations.

26
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,595
Yeah, we don't deal with these situations.

27
00:01:02,628 --> 00:01:04,697
Okay, how is that healthy?

28
00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:08,635
Sometimes, I just need a sympathetic
ear to listen to how I'm feeling.

29
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:12,739
And your dad, bless his heart,
can't help but try to fix things.

30
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:17,376
That's me, the annoying tool man
just trying to make things better.

31
00:01:17,409 --> 00:01:19,880
You've heard of that book "Men Are
from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

32
00:01:19,912 --> 00:01:21,048
Oh, the follow-up...

33
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,749
"Why All the Crap on
Venus is Still Broken."

34
00:01:22,781 --> 00:01:24,984
(Chuckles)

35
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,820
And we're just different,
so we have a pact.

36
00:01:27,853 --> 00:01:31,492
When I want to share my feelings,
I find somebody else to talk to.

37
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:34,128
And I try to get out of the house quick
so I don't try to fix something.

38
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,829
Yeah.

39
00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:37,763
It's how a good marriage evolves.

40
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:39,665
You should remember
this when you marry Kyle.

41
00:01:39,698 --> 00:01:41,100
Yeah, totally unnecessary.

42
00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:43,436
I don't have any problems, and
Kyle doesn't have any solutions.

43
00:01:43,469 --> 00:01:45,272
Perfect.

44
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:49,086
See, she already doesn't want my advice,
just like her mother.

45
00:01:49,117 --> 00:01:49,576
Ah.

46
00:01:49,608 --> 00:01:51,277
So, good luck with
whatever's bothering you.

47
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,581
Yeah, thanks, sweetie.

48
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,817
- So, where was I?
- Oh, my God.

49
00:01:56,849 --> 00:01:59,119
If I don't know, are you
gonna start over again?

50
00:01:59,149 --> 00:02:04,149
Synced and correctes by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

51
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,935
Hey, you better be on fire out there.

52
00:02:14,967 --> 00:02:16,435
Relax, Dad, I'm not smoking.

53
00:02:16,468 --> 00:02:18,604
- I'm vaping.
- Oh, that's nice.

54
00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:19,772
At least you're not doing something

55
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:23,277
that's just bad for you,
but it looks stupid, too.

56
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,512
It can't be unhealthy...
Tons of celebrities do it,

57
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:27,280
and they know how to
take care of themselves

58
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,615
because their lives are more
important than regular people's.

59
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,551
Yeah? Google Nick Nolte.

60
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:35,455
Look at his picture. He's 26 years old.

61
00:02:35,487 --> 00:02:37,723
You don't get it 'cause
your generation's smoking

62
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:42,361
was all gross tobacco, and ours is
made of water and is good for you.

63
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,131
Come on, get rid of that thing
before your mom gets home.

64
00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,333
She's going through enough stress
with that potential strike thing.

65
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,902
She doesn't need to see her
daughter toking on a kazoo.

66
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:50,836
Okay, well, here's an idea.

67
00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:52,004
Just don't tell her.

68
00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:53,807
What... no.

69
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,709
Hey.

70
00:02:55,741 --> 00:02:58,078
What, uh... what's going on?

71
00:02:58,110 --> 00:02:59,846
She's smoking one of those vape pens.

72
00:02:59,878 --> 00:03:01,414
(Coughs) Narc.

73
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,915
Seriously?

74
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,887
Mandy, you are way too smart...

75
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,722
Mandy, this is really bad for you.

76
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,657
Here's the thing... no, it's not.

77
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,360
It's basically just water,
and hydrating is healthy...

78
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,528
scientific fact.

79
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:16,930
Really?

80
00:03:16,962 --> 00:03:17,930
We have a scientist right here.

81
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:18,764
Why don't we ask her?

82
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:19,900
- Yeah.
- (Scoffs)

83
00:03:19,932 --> 00:03:20,900
Come on, give it to her.

84
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,335
Not fair.

85
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,670
Just lay out the facts
and suck the joy out of it,

86
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,006
just like you did our
trip to the Grand Canyon.

87
00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:28,841
All right.

88
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,344
Look, look, as a scientist, I can tell you

89
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,212
that this is not just harmless water vapor.

90
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:33,766
There you go.

91
00:03:33,782 --> 00:03:37,283
And no matter what form it's delivered
in, nicotine is a vasoconstrictor.

92
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:38,346
Honey, honey.

93
00:03:38,377 --> 00:03:42,855
And beyond that, the liquids used are
polluted with chemical additives.

94
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:46,693
And not the delicious
kind they put in hot dogs.

95
00:03:46,725 --> 00:03:48,694
But they're still safer than cigarettes.

96
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:49,963
There are studies.

97
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:51,564
No, you're the study.

98
00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:53,800
Your generation are the guinea pigs.

99
00:03:53,832 --> 00:03:56,903
We... We won't know how sick these things
can make you for another 20 years.

100
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,237
By then, we're using jetpacks.

101
00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:01,407
You don't want to be too sick
to fly around in one of those.

102
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:04,444
This could also be a
gateway to cigarette smoking.

103
00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:06,246
Yes, a horrible addiction.

104
00:04:06,278 --> 00:04:06,599
Yes.

105
00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:09,024
You know, when I was a grad
student, I started having a

106
00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:11,418
cigarette every now and then
just as a stress reliever.

107
00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:14,120
And before I knew it, I was hooked.

108
00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:17,891
Held tight in its velvety grip.

109
00:04:17,923 --> 00:04:23,062
Living for the sweet release
of that first morning drag.

110
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:26,500
It just melts all your troubles away.

111
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,741
Now I want a cigarette.

112
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,910
Just don't do it. It's bad for you.

113
00:04:36,942 --> 00:04:39,680
Okay, but I'm 22. I can do what I want.

114
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:42,449
No, you're living in our house, and
we're paying your health insurance.

115
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:43,803
It's doesn't matter if you're 42.

116
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:47,920
Which is how old you'll
look if you keep vaping.

117
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:51,858
That is literally the meanest
thing you've ever said to me.

118
00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:53,492
Let me make it simple.

119
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:56,430
Give me your house key
or give me the vape pen.

120
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,998
Ugh.

121
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,936
Oh, and for the record, I will not look 42

122
00:05:02,968 --> 00:05:05,639
until I am well into my 60s.

123
00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:09,942
Just unbelievable.

124
00:05:09,975 --> 00:05:13,646
Uh... Well, look at that.

125
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,615
Solving problems.

126
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,485
You want to take a shot
at the strike thing?

127
00:05:18,517 --> 00:05:21,287
Well, I really don't think that's
something that can be solved,

128
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,523
but if you want to talk
about how it makes us feel...

129
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:26,159
Nah, I got to work on that grill.

130
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,298
You are not going to believe this.

131
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,833
You finished remodeling the basement?

132
00:05:32,865 --> 00:05:35,668
Oh, no, not even close,
no idea what I'm doing.

133
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:40,874
Oh, my God.

134
00:05:40,906 --> 00:05:42,475
- A safe?
- Uh-huh.

135
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:46,312
And I checked online... whenever you buy a
house, whatever's inside of it is yours.

136
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,646
So, it's our safe.

137
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,317
Absolutely, according to the
landmark Supreme Court decision

138
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,486
Finders v. Keepers.

139
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,821
This is awesome. What
do you think is in it?

140
00:05:54,853 --> 00:05:56,990
I don't know, but it's probably
something really valuable,

141
00:05:57,023 --> 00:06:01,228
like journals or letters or maybe an
unpublished manuscript for a novel.

142
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,697
Ooh, we could spend the
rest of our lives reading.

143
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,499
Come on, think big... it's a safe.

144
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,935
There could be silver or gold doubloons.

145
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,605
Okay, I'm just saying there
are different kinds of treasure.

146
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:15,508
Yeah, but the best kind of
treasure is actual treasure.

147
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:16,675
How do we get in it?

148
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,778
- I don't know, won't budge.
- (Sighs)

149
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,047
Ryan, there could be
absolutely anything in there.

150
00:06:21,079 --> 00:06:22,716
I know. It is such a great feeling.

151
00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:24,184
It's even better than when
we pulled up the carpet

152
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,219
and we found hardwood floors.

153
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,689
It's just so frustrating.

154
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,359
I mean, I became a teacher to teach,

155
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:36,062
not to paint a stupid sign
and march around chanting.

156
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:40,266
I teach art, dance, and music, so
that's pretty much my job description.

157
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,701
Well, if there is a strike,
I know who's making my sign.

158
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,104
(Laughs)

159
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,206
Boy, you really think this could happen?

160
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:48,375
Mm. I hope not.

161
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,110
Those poor kids will miss
out on so much class time.

162
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:55,915
Oh, and we're about to cover
parabolas, their absolute favorite.

163
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:56,917
Hey. Oh, hi.

164
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:58,418
Uh, is this book club tonight?

165
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:01,888
'Cause you might need some
more members and, um, a book.

166
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,223
(Laughs)

167
00:07:03,255 --> 00:07:04,924
- Mike, you remember Sheryl from school.
- Yeah, of course.

168
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,361
We sat together during
that awful spring concert.

169
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,297
She's, uh, she's the music teacher.

170
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:11,630
- (Clears throat)
- Ah.

171
00:07:11,663 --> 00:07:14,401
When I say "awful," you
know, it's awf... full of awe.

172
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,969
You could say it that way.

173
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,504
No offense taken.

174
00:07:17,536 --> 00:07:22,308
Oh, by the way, that
tent you sold me sucks.

175
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:23,609
Thank you so much for the glass of wine.

176
00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:24,810
I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow.

177
00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:27,146
- Bye, Sheryl.
- Bye.

178
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,682
So, um, what meeting?

179
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:31,509
I joke about your wine, but I
don't think you have a problem.

180
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:32,585
(Scoffs)

181
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,455
The, uh, the union is voting
on a strike authorization.

182
00:07:35,487 --> 00:07:37,167
I was up half the night worrying about it.

183
00:07:37,189 --> 00:07:39,459
I almost woke up Mandy to vent.

184
00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:44,798
I've been having a terrible,
terrible week at work.

185
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:49,668
Oh, is your fancy leather chair making
that "squeak-squoosh" sound again?

186
00:07:49,701 --> 00:07:51,341
Well, I know I'd explain what's going on,

187
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:55,674
but you'd have to
understand, you know, kayaks.

188
00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:59,646
But, uh, you know, it would help me if
you were to take me up to the cabin

189
00:07:59,678 --> 00:08:02,181
so I could get my mind
off that terrible kayak.

190
00:08:02,214 --> 00:08:03,782
Oh, that would help you, huh?

191
00:08:03,815 --> 00:08:07,620
Right, or what would be great
is, uh, you know, a spa day.

192
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:09,355
I really could use a mani-pedi.

193
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:14,627
Honey, you're very sweet, but I don't
need a spa or a cabin getaway.

194
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,062
I will figure this out on my own.

195
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:17,631
All right.

196
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,699
Just stay away from my
feet in bed because my nails

197
00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:22,002
are like little, tiny machetes.

198
00:08:38,987 --> 00:08:41,958
Why were those people cheering
when the strike vote passed?

199
00:08:41,991 --> 00:08:43,960
These kids can't afford any time off.

200
00:08:43,992 --> 00:08:45,895
Well, neither can I.

201
00:08:45,928 --> 00:08:48,664
- The last strike lasted 52 days.
- Ugh.

202
00:08:48,697 --> 00:08:51,634
I had to go get a job
at Hot Dog on a Stick.

203
00:08:51,666 --> 00:08:56,171
Which is a super-fun place
to run into your students.

204
00:08:56,204 --> 00:08:57,973
I didn't know you smoked.

205
00:08:58,006 --> 00:09:02,477
I'm not judging. At least you look cool.

206
00:09:02,511 --> 00:09:05,314
Well, I've been trying
to quit, but it's rough.

207
00:09:05,347 --> 00:09:07,817
I hear vaping is supposed to be safer?

208
00:09:07,849 --> 00:09:12,053
Well, it's, uh... it's basically just
water, and hydrating is healthy.

209
00:09:12,087 --> 00:09:14,590
There are studies.

210
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:16,825
Hm. I might have to give that a try.

211
00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:18,360
Yeah, well, it's definitely the way to go.

212
00:09:18,394 --> 00:09:20,530
I mean, you don't want
that monkey on your back.

213
00:09:22,197 --> 00:09:25,735
You know what? You're right.

214
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:29,838
I am gonna go buy one of those pens.

215
00:09:29,872 --> 00:09:32,174
- Thanks.
- Yeah.

216
00:09:32,207 --> 00:09:33,775
Vape life.

217
00:09:49,591 --> 00:09:51,427
(Sighs)

218
00:09:55,264 --> 00:09:57,934
- Okay.
- Hey, Mr. Alzate, I think you'll be proud.

219
00:09:57,967 --> 00:10:00,136
I set up that new line of sleeping bags,

220
00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:05,106
reordered the crossbows, and told a
teenager to pull up his damn pants.

221
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:08,711
Well, it's nice to have
someone older than me around.

222
00:10:08,743 --> 00:10:12,415
I'm glad you're spending your gap year
with us and not traipsing around Europe.

223
00:10:12,448 --> 00:10:13,716
Well, Europe's overrated.

224
00:10:13,748 --> 00:10:17,452
It's nothing but old
churches and foreigners.

225
00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:19,322
- Hey. Hey, guys.
- Hey.

226
00:10:19,354 --> 00:10:21,056
Hey, Ed, uh... you're rich.

227
00:10:21,089 --> 00:10:22,925
Do you have a safe?

228
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:24,293
Yes, I do.

229
00:10:24,325 --> 00:10:28,064
But it's wired to explode,
so don't get any ideas.

230
00:10:28,097 --> 00:10:30,399
Ryan and I found an old
safe in the basement,

231
00:10:30,431 --> 00:10:32,400
and we don't know how to get into it.

232
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:36,905
Well, you could either call a locksmith
or drop it off a cliff onto a coyote.

233
00:10:36,939 --> 00:10:39,007
No, do not call a locksmith.

234
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,809
You don't want a total stranger finding out

235
00:10:40,843 --> 00:10:42,578
you may have a safe full
of valuables. No, no.

236
00:10:42,611 --> 00:10:46,449
Why can't you just tell Ryan there's
an endangered salamander in there

237
00:10:46,482 --> 00:10:48,083
and watch him claw through it?

238
00:10:48,117 --> 00:10:51,453
What you need is someone who knows locks.

239
00:10:54,790 --> 00:10:57,093
Here, watch this.

240
00:10:57,126 --> 00:11:01,262
- Kyle.
- What are you doing?

241
00:11:01,295 --> 00:11:02,931
Hey. You wanted me, Mr. Alzate?

242
00:11:02,964 --> 00:11:05,633
Yes, I accidentally locked
my keys in the office again.

243
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,269
(Chuckles) No problem, sir.

244
00:11:08,303 --> 00:11:09,705
Do you mind?

245
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,107
Sure.

246
00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:12,342
There you go.

247
00:11:19,381 --> 00:11:20,382
There you go.

248
00:11:20,415 --> 00:11:24,886
Kyle, we are one munitions expert
away from knocking over a casino.

249
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,123
Young man can get past any lock.

250
00:11:28,156 --> 00:11:31,126
My mom used to lock me
out of the house a lot.

251
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,160
Yeah.

252
00:11:32,194 --> 00:11:33,695
- Hilarious.
- (Chuckles)

253
00:11:33,728 --> 00:11:36,398
Yeah, son, I need you to crack a safe.

254
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:37,665
I see.

255
00:11:37,699 --> 00:11:40,569
Are we going back to your
ex-wife's house again?

256
00:11:46,875 --> 00:11:50,179
I mean, what deed to a lake house?

257
00:12:01,622 --> 00:12:03,358
(Exhales sharply)

258
00:12:07,261 --> 00:12:09,031
(Spritzes)

259
00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:12,201
Ooh.

260
00:12:19,474 --> 00:12:21,209
(Sniffs)

261
00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:25,480
(Door closes)

262
00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:29,084
Hey.

263
00:12:29,117 --> 00:12:30,218
- Hi.
- Hi.

264
00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:31,853
Welcome home. Good, oh, yeah.

265
00:12:31,886 --> 00:12:33,622
Mm, okay.

266
00:12:36,391 --> 00:12:38,394
So, you're smoking.

267
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:42,798
Damn it.

268
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,432
How did you know?

269
00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:49,137
You smell like Febreze has a new scent...
burnt sock.

270
00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:50,939
You know what? It's... It's not a big deal.

271
00:12:50,973 --> 00:12:52,974
What about all that stuff you told Mandy?

272
00:12:53,007 --> 00:12:56,078
All that boring scientific stuff...
that sounded pretty bad.

273
00:12:56,111 --> 00:12:58,881
I'm only smoking to help me get
through this strike nightmare.

274
00:12:58,914 --> 00:13:00,475
Smoking is not a solution to a problem.

275
00:13:00,482 --> 00:13:02,318
It's a new problem.

276
00:13:02,351 --> 00:13:04,120
I'm not happy about it either.

277
00:13:04,152 --> 00:13:06,387
It just feels like something I need to do.

278
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,223
There's other ways you can
eliminate stress in your life.

279
00:13:08,256 --> 00:13:10,258
You can have sex with your husband.

280
00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:16,631
Then I'd want a cigarette.

281
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:19,400
You give me a lot of credit.

282
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:21,403
Mike, you're trying to fix it.

283
00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:22,570
You're breaking the pact.

284
00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:24,739
No, no, the pact is null
and void when you go crazy

285
00:13:24,772 --> 00:13:27,142
like sticking a Febreze sheet in your bra.

286
00:13:27,175 --> 00:13:28,576
- Look, I'm not your child.
- Really?

287
00:13:28,609 --> 00:13:30,945
You don't get to tell me
what I can and can't do.

288
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,747
Oh, yeah, just watch me.

289
00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:34,816
You can't smoke.

290
00:13:34,849 --> 00:13:37,452
Oh? We're done talking.

291
00:13:40,054 --> 00:13:42,391
- Oh.
- I'll be in the backyard.

292
00:13:50,565 --> 00:13:52,600
(Laughter)

293
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,794
Hey, guys, you know when you
have happy hour every day,

294
00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:58,040
it just turns into sad hour.

295
00:13:58,073 --> 00:14:01,142
I would've invited you, Mike, but
you're usually in a rush to go home.

296
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,944
Not tonight.

297
00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:04,380
Vanessa is smoking.

298
00:14:04,413 --> 00:14:08,650
I don't like to comment on other men's
wives, but since you opened the door...

299
00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:11,020
Yeah, she's a hottie. Yeah.

300
00:14:11,053 --> 00:14:13,289
I would never peg Vanessa as a smoker.

301
00:14:13,322 --> 00:14:16,458
Yeah, she hasn't smoked a
cigarette in like 30 years,

302
00:14:16,491 --> 00:14:19,127
but this teachers' strike has
her like climbing the walls.

303
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,329
It's driving Carol crazy, too.

304
00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,498
She started kickboxing again.

305
00:14:23,531 --> 00:14:26,201
That's why I'm staying late.

306
00:14:26,234 --> 00:14:28,403
I hate her smoking, but what am I gonna do?

307
00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:31,139
Ugh, one day my dad caught
me smoking behind the garage.

308
00:14:31,173 --> 00:14:32,208
(Chuckles)

309
00:14:32,241 --> 00:14:34,677
Never piss off your dad near a rake.

310
00:14:37,045 --> 00:14:39,747
When my father caught me,
he made me smoke two packs

311
00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:43,184
of Pall Malls, one right after the other.

312
00:14:43,218 --> 00:14:44,587
Does that actually work?

313
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:46,755
Like a charm, yeah.

314
00:14:46,788 --> 00:14:51,859
I was a loyal Pall Mall
smoker for 25 years.

315
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,161
They're all good ideas, you know?

316
00:14:53,194 --> 00:14:55,363
But I don't think we got
a working strategy yet.

317
00:14:55,396 --> 00:14:57,498
It's not like it's one of
his kids. It's his wife.

318
00:14:57,531 --> 00:15:00,168
I... I understand. Give her a clear choice.

319
00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:03,272
Stop smoking or we're through.

320
00:15:03,304 --> 00:15:07,175
Great, from a guy who's
making four alimony payments.

321
00:15:07,208 --> 00:15:10,880
When a woman has a problem, that's
when you know a marriage is over.

322
00:15:12,881 --> 00:15:16,251
I don't think I'm gonna
divorce my wife over this.

323
00:15:16,285 --> 00:15:21,023
I just need to find a way to
tell her that I really hate it.

324
00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:23,792
Then what are you sitting here with us for?

325
00:15:27,128 --> 00:15:31,432
You smoked Pall Malls for 25 years?

326
00:15:31,466 --> 00:15:36,205
Your dad hit you with a rake?

327
00:15:36,237 --> 00:15:38,940
This really is sad hour.

328
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:44,646
(Clicking)

329
00:15:47,348 --> 00:15:49,651
Second number is 31.

330
00:15:49,684 --> 00:15:50,953
This is so exciting.

331
00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:52,054
Isn't it?

332
00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:54,756
Let me check.

333
00:15:54,790 --> 00:15:57,293
Yep, very exciting.

334
00:15:57,325 --> 00:15:59,160
Oh, I can't wait to see what's inside.

335
00:15:59,194 --> 00:16:00,728
How are we gonna divvy this up?

336
00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:03,081
Ooh, uh, let's see... the
people that own the house get it,

337
00:16:03,098 --> 00:16:04,732
and the people that don't... don't.

338
00:16:04,766 --> 00:16:07,236
Hmm, well, what if it's
something you don't really want,

339
00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:11,774
like old pistols or a job. (Chuckles)

340
00:16:11,806 --> 00:16:14,609
14. We're in.

341
00:16:14,642 --> 00:16:15,910
Oh, you know what's exciting?

342
00:16:15,944 --> 00:16:18,747
This feeling right here, right now
that anything could be in there.

343
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:20,015
It's like Christmas morning.

344
00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:23,819
Yeah, except my mom's not
passed out in the manger.

345
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:26,255
Are we sure that we want to open it?

346
00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,756
I don't know.

347
00:16:27,789 --> 00:16:30,425
Ugh, how long have you two been
down here sucking up asbestos?

348
00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:32,328
Just open the safe.

349
00:16:32,361 --> 00:16:33,862
All right, Kyle, open it.

350
00:16:33,895 --> 00:16:36,832
Oh, no, wait, don't open it.

351
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:37,933
You're right, open it.

352
00:16:37,966 --> 00:16:41,337
Ooh, wait, mm.

353
00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:43,306
Okay, just do it.

354
00:16:51,313 --> 00:16:54,116
It's empty.

355
00:16:54,149 --> 00:16:56,518
Well, this sucks.

356
00:16:56,550 --> 00:16:59,821
Now it's like Christmas.

357
00:16:59,854 --> 00:17:02,957
I guess we just like not knowing better.

358
00:17:02,991 --> 00:17:05,594
Wait. What's that up here?

359
00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:11,300
It's a key.

360
00:17:11,332 --> 00:17:12,834
- Key to what?
- I don't know.

361
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:15,303
But there's got to be
something amazing in it.

362
00:17:15,337 --> 00:17:16,238
Yeah.

363
00:17:16,271 --> 00:17:19,808
Like, it's so valuable that they
had to put the key in a safe.

364
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,078
Like, if it's a book,
it's a really rare book.

365
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:25,980
And if it's money, it's a lot of money.

366
00:17:26,013 --> 00:17:28,050
We're still gonna try this
on every lock to see, right?

367
00:17:28,082 --> 00:17:29,184
Oh, yeah. Totally.

368
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,918
Hey, slick.

369
00:17:30,952 --> 00:17:33,888
I saw you palming that key
when you reached into the safe.

370
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:35,656
What are you up to?

371
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:39,094
They were having so much fun just
imagining what was in there,

372
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,828
and now they have that again.

373
00:17:40,861 --> 00:17:42,897
Well, that's pretty sweet of you.

374
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,500
Where'd you get the key?

375
00:17:44,532 --> 00:17:46,001
Oh, I've had it for a while.

376
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:48,536
It's to Mr. Alzate's safe.

377
00:17:54,809 --> 00:17:58,012
- Hey.
- Hey.

378
00:17:58,046 --> 00:17:59,782
Is that our wedding album?

379
00:17:59,815 --> 00:18:02,951
Yeah, we're gonna have to
tear up that pact we made

380
00:18:02,983 --> 00:18:04,852
and do that venting we don't do.

381
00:18:04,886 --> 00:18:05,953
Oh, really?

382
00:18:05,986 --> 00:18:07,855
Really, are you capable of sitting quietly

383
00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:10,458
and listening while I share my feelings?

384
00:18:10,492 --> 00:18:13,028
No.

385
00:18:13,060 --> 00:18:18,934
You're gonna sit quietly
while I share my feelings.

386
00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:22,804
But won't that make you die?

387
00:18:22,838 --> 00:18:24,373
(Clears throat)

388
00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:27,376
Uh, "Vanessa, today is the
happiest day of my life."

389
00:18:27,408 --> 00:18:28,444
Wait, wait, wait.

390
00:18:28,476 --> 00:18:29,477
Why are you reading your wedding vows?

391
00:18:29,511 --> 00:18:32,146
Zip it.

392
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,383
I'm sharing.

393
00:18:34,415 --> 00:18:37,719
"Today, I ask you to be my wife, my equal,

394
00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,321
to bring to my life the part
of me I never knew was missing,

395
00:18:40,355 --> 00:18:42,057
the part that will make me whole."

396
00:18:42,089 --> 00:18:43,391
That was such a wonderful speech...

397
00:18:43,425 --> 00:18:45,594
Honey.

398
00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:47,695
It's not easy just to sit
there and listen, is it?

399
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:57,071
"I will share you laughter and your
tears, your dreams, and your fears."

400
00:18:57,105 --> 00:19:02,110
I had no idea that rhymed until just now.

401
00:19:02,143 --> 00:19:03,111
Still so beautiful.

402
00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:07,281
Pipe down just for a minute.

403
00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:10,285
"And I promise that I will
love you every day of your life,

404
00:19:10,318 --> 00:19:15,323
and I will protect you from
anything that tries to harm you."

405
00:19:15,357 --> 00:19:20,261
I hate that you smoke because
it makes me feel helpless,

406
00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:25,500
and then I can't do what I vowed to do.

407
00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:29,604
All right, well, I have
sat quietly long enough.

408
00:19:29,637 --> 00:19:30,705
So, what are you gonna do?

409
00:19:30,739 --> 00:19:34,210
You got to talk. Now I get to fix this.

410
00:19:53,194 --> 00:19:55,563
You know, you should share
your feelings more often.

411
00:19:55,597 --> 00:19:57,499
You are pretty good at it.

412
00:19:57,531 --> 00:19:59,467
Only with you. Don't tell other people.

413
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:02,704
That would make me die.

414
00:20:13,316 --> 00:20:15,184
Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

415
00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:17,687
Hey, check out my big buddy here.

416
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,923
The western black rhino.

417
00:20:19,955 --> 00:20:24,126
3,000 pounds of cranky, pissed-off muscle.

418
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,696
Hey, you'd be grumpy, too, if God put a
spear coming straight out of your face.

419
00:20:27,730 --> 00:20:30,866
Just ask Barbra Streisand.

420
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:34,403
For 50 million years, nothing
fazed this ugly bastard.

421
00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:37,139
Drought? I don't need no stinkin' water.

422
00:20:37,173 --> 00:20:38,375
Ice age?

423
00:20:38,407 --> 00:20:42,778
Hey, wooly mammoth, fur
coats are for sissies.

424
00:20:42,811 --> 00:20:45,714
So why is the black rhino extinct?

425
00:20:45,748 --> 00:20:51,421
Because they fell prey to the most
dangerous predator of all... horny humans.

426
00:20:51,453 --> 00:20:54,990
Yeah, a, uh, "far eastern"
business man decided

427
00:20:55,023 --> 00:20:59,395
crushed rhino horn could put
some lead in that tiny pencil.

428
00:20:59,429 --> 00:21:03,266
You know, like the ones
you use on a golf scorecard.

429
00:21:03,298 --> 00:21:04,500
That was that.

430
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:05,902
His horn became a problem.

431
00:21:05,934 --> 00:21:07,604
The rhino couldn't get rid of it.

432
00:21:07,636 --> 00:21:08,837
He didn't evolve.

433
00:21:08,871 --> 00:21:11,107
So, buh-bye.

434
00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:12,575
It's just like a marriage, really.

435
00:21:12,607 --> 00:21:14,927
If you and your spouse have a
problem and you don't evolve,

436
00:21:14,943 --> 00:21:19,115
then your marriage will be like this Rhino
and exist only in pricey photographs.

437
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:23,153
On sale all this week at
Outdoor Man's Decorating Den.

438
00:21:23,203 --> 00:21:27,753
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0